a new day

So I have been very slack lately. With everything.

Studies, housework, fitness, friendships and relationships, drawing and writing, you name it- I’ve been slack. I offer no excuses. I am terrible. In part I am just lazy, but mostly I am just afraid.

I have a habit of withdrawing when things get tough. I get afraid that I can’t do it (or can't do it well enough), then I just don’t bother. So far this year I have become afraid of a whole lot of things, and the results spread into other areas of my life. For example I am not afraid of my friendships, I am just so worried and stressed and panicked and full of self doubt! Then I don’t give enough energy to the people who could actual help me. I am not afraid of housework- much! I am just worried and feeling down and it’s the last thing I want to do. (I have also realised it’s because housework gives me too much time to think about what a useless person I am, whereas TV and sleeping are mind numbing and hamper the brooding).

But I am definitely afraid that I am not good enough in my writing, particularly for Uni.

Today when I finally admitted to myself that I had withdrawn to far and endangering to many things, I still fell back on an old excuse I have (actually its one that my entire family employs with great regularity). I said to myself, “next semester I will do such and such”, or “during the winter break I will tidy up/get fit/see my friends/be a more attentive girlfriend” , etc etc. I put off changing things, with the pretence that later I will have less obstacles/more time/it will be easier.

And that never happens. (Well maybe only 20% of the time, but still, you know what I mean).

However, I know I'm not going to do any more in the future because if I can’t do it now, what's going to be different in a months time? So, today I decided that I have to start NOW. As soon as I realise I am being bad. I start now, and then perhaps I can conquer my fear.

I must not hide from the fear of my ineptitude. I must confront it. After all, failure isn’t so bad. Nobody cares that I am not getting A’s; people who love me and know me are just happy I am giving it a go. Besides, the reward of accomplishing something is great no matter how well I do. That’s what I have to remember.

PS On a good note, I have not bought any more clothes!