a new day

So I have been very slack lately. With everything.

Studies, housework, fitness, friendships and relationships, drawing and writing, you name it- I’ve been slack. I offer no excuses. I am terrible. In part I am just lazy, but mostly I am just afraid.

I have a habit of withdrawing when things get tough. I get afraid that I can’t do it (or can't do it well enough), then I just don’t bother. So far this year I have become afraid of a whole lot of things, and the results spread into other areas of my life. For example I am not afraid of my friendships, I am just so worried and stressed and panicked and full of self doubt! Then I don’t give enough energy to the people who could actual help me. I am not afraid of housework- much! I am just worried and feeling down and it’s the last thing I want to do. (I have also realised it’s because housework gives me too much time to think about what a useless person I am, whereas TV and sleeping are mind numbing and hamper the brooding).

But I am definitely afraid that I am not good enough in my writing, particularly for Uni.

Today when I finally admitted to myself that I had withdrawn to far and endangering to many things, I still fell back on an old excuse I have (actually its one that my entire family employs with great regularity). I said to myself, “next semester I will do such and such”, or “during the winter break I will tidy up/get fit/see my friends/be a more attentive girlfriend” , etc etc. I put off changing things, with the pretence that later I will have less obstacles/more time/it will be easier.

And that never happens. (Well maybe only 20% of the time, but still, you know what I mean).

However, I know I'm not going to do any more in the future because if I can’t do it now, what's going to be different in a months time? So, today I decided that I have to start NOW. As soon as I realise I am being bad. I start now, and then perhaps I can conquer my fear.

I must not hide from the fear of my ineptitude. I must confront it. After all, failure isn’t so bad. Nobody cares that I am not getting A’s; people who love me and know me are just happy I am giving it a go. Besides, the reward of accomplishing something is great no matter how well I do. That’s what I have to remember.

PS On a good note, I have not bought any more clothes!

times two!

I have two things to talk about today. Two of my problems.

My WIP was going brilliantly. Over 30 pages and the last time I stopped I knew where I was going to pick it up the next day. My problem is the there was no next day. It is now the next week. I have legitimate reasons why it was impossible for me to do any in that time, including two tests, a birthday etc etc. Except when I picked it up again, though I had a reasonable idea where it must go next overall, the momentum has gone. I also have this nagging idea that I have to write EXACTLY what I had planned.

I know what I must do. I must just write. And write tomorrow. And the next day, and everyday after that. Momentum was more important than what I had planned for the next couple of pages, and a page a day is better than weeks of nothing. I still love my WIP, and my OC Lady Violet: this is just a speed bump.

My other problem.

Hello my name is Liza, and I am a shopaholic.

Today I realised what my boyfriend (life partner? other half? another blog post?) has been trying to tell me for a long time. My spending on clothes is a problem. I can not fit my new things in my overflowing drawers. I have spent more money on clothes than on anything else, probably including food. I don't know because I have not looked at a bank statement in over a year. I don't even buy shoes or high end stuff. Just lots and lots of cheap run of the mill clothes. I don't even have good taste.

I realised I have a problem when I saw my sisters closest and how little was in it. My problem started when I got my first 'proper' job, where I got paid a proper pay check at the end of the month. It started slowly, just a few items here and there to fill out my closest. Now six years later, (specifically the last two years) it is a huge problem. HUGE.

I know what I have to obviously. Stop buying clothes. Except half the ones I own...I don't like any more...

Big Mistake

So I made a big mistake today. One that I have consistently been told not to make (mostly on the blogs I follow).

As a writer one of the biggest mistakes to make is comparing yourself to other writers. Pretty obvious right? We all have different gifts, we are each unique and special and blah blah blah...

Well anything so obvious and logical when it comes to our selves is going to be bloody impossible to actually apply. When a girl walks past in those iddy biddy shorts with no cellulite, we compare ourselves to her. Unfavourably. Never mind that she's like eight years younger than us and a champion roller blader. We don't see the things that she doesn't like about herself (maybe her neck is too long and she thinks she looks like a giraffe).

So today I was casually checking out Janet Reid's blog, one my of favourites, and I blindly followed her link to Lauren DeStefano, not knowing that my heart and ambitions were about to be crushed.

DeStefano is only a little younger than me. But I am not upset she is getting published and I am not. She has written a book and I have not (well, no finished ones anyway). Yet after reading her (sadly sparse) blog, I almost wept in self pity and reverence. The feelings of doubt and inadequacy dug at my already tender heart.

She has an amazing voice, and a lot of confidence in that voice. She also has a clear imagination and an elegant locution that does more than "swirl around you", it pulls you into its own universe.

I'll continue to write. I will finish my current WIP. In tune with the tap tap of the keys, will be: "we all have different gifts, we are each unique and special and blah blah blah..."

inspiration

I AM SO EXCITED

I want to be writer, and I have the usual writer fears. The most common one is that I am not good enough. But I can work on that and practice. I can DO something about it. I have another fear that has always lurked at the back of my brain: that I don't have enough good stories. Something I have no idea what to do about. I read other writers blogs and it seems they usually have a couple WIPs going ALL THE TIME. I have had a few stories in my life, but not many. Until now.

I have been thinking about a biggy for about 6 months and have it planned out, though I haven't written much yet (too busy a Uni, but getting there). Then in the last month every spare moment I have, little stories have been popping up in my head. Its wonderful. Lots of characters showing themselves a little, scenes and possible plots. So I was starting to feel a bit better about it.

Then today a brand new, sparkling, fully developed story appeared (in the middle of a boring lecture!). I am already in love with the character, know her name, can picture the setting, her motivation- EVERYTHING. And its GOOD. I mean, I like my current WIP. A lot. Unfortunately it has a lot of kinks in it and things to be worked out, and I have been feeling insecure about it. But I LOVE this one and all I have to do is write it:)

I have no idea where inspiration comes from. However, I am so grateful to which ever god out bestowed this on me. Thank you, I now know I have stories to tell.

procastination

It is the end of the third week of the 1st semester of 2nd year of my degree. I am suppose to be reading an article on human evolution and the 'out of Africa' migration model for modern humans. It is fifteen pages, and I have to summarise it in five. Bleh.

So to procrastinate on that one for a while I have shimmied over here to add my two cents to THE NET. The great sphere of information, people and utter rubbish. This post probably falls into the third category, but hey. No ones reading this yet any way.

But what pearl of wisdom can I leave behind to shine on the rubbish heap...

When you have work to do (that is towards your all important DREAM), do not go NEAR the net, 'cos there is just way to much on here to waste your time with.

This blog especially

First Post!!

Hello there!

Um...so I know there not any one there yet...but here goes my first post. Don't know what to say except to write a bit about myself and why I started this blog.

I'm in my late twenties, and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. After school I did a couple of different jobs, sorta floating around waiting for life to strike me with THE ANSWER (you know to THE QUESTION- 'what the hell am I doing????'). Then about a year ago I decided that instead of waiting for the 'right thing', the sensible career, I would go for a dream. You know those dreams you have for yourself that you daren't tell anyone for fear of being laughed at? My dream is...to be a writer. Yes a writer, not very original or exciting. I can see you sighing and shaking your head right now. After all the internet and blogasphere is over run with wanna be writers. But I have decided that the old worn out adage 'you only regret the things you don't try', may actually be true. What's worse than some one trying to be a writer? Some one who says that they would have been a great writer but they never had the time...

So armed with a little inheritance from my (angel sent from heaven) Gran; and some stellar advice from a friend, I went to university. I am starting my second year now. And to start my writing career I have started this blog. In part because advice from a hundred blogs I've read about writing, but also to practice. 'Cos I think I am going to need A LOT of practice...